.:: Fire The Housewife ::.

Not cooking, not a comeback, BUT A CONSPIRACY.

Posted by The Housewife on August 18th, 2011

So, ya’ll, it’s been a while.  Rest assured, I probably am not coming back to blogging regularly, or even semi-regularly, or anything even remotely close to regular. What I am doing is sharing with you a story. A story of hilarity.

So, a  few weeks ago I finally gave up the ol’ Buick and bought myself a shiny new (kind of) Prius.  I loved the idea of getting awesome gas mileage. Also I loved the idea of having hatchback. Also I loved the idea of holding it over everyone else’s heads that my car is nice to the earth and theirs is busy flipping off Mother Earth.  Things happen. Whatever.

So, The Republi-Dad is taking care of getting me tags (don’t ask. Long story.) and I asked the dealership to kindly send the title to The Republi-Dad, promising that they wouldn’t have to talk to his crazy … self.  So here we are, 10 days til my temporary tag expires and The Republi-Dad has not recieved a title. I go in and check on it with the dealership, they were WONDERFULLY nice, saying  ”Oh, looks like it was sent out the 5th of the month!” I naturally assume The Republi-Dad lost it on his table-o-mail (trust me guys, this thing is amazing…YEARS of mail on this table.)

I text him and say “it should be there, they sent it the 5th. Check your table.”

OH MAN, INTERNET. That was a mistake. This is when the stuff hit the fan. THE STUFF. FAN. HARD. BLOWING EVERYWHERE.

The Republi-Dad calls me after work with fire in his eyes (ears? mouth? we were on the phone and all.) Then for 15 minutes, I swear to you, FIF-TEE-NUH MI-NU-TESSSSSSSS, he goes on and on about how this is a conspiracy. That the dealer is just messing with us. That the car doesn’t even have a title. That we will take it back and get our money back. That we will send the credit union after them. Seriously. 15 minutes of this.  It mostly included a lot of me saying “yeah.” “ok.” Sure, Republi-Dad.”

So drop in at the dealership again and they are again, absolutely wonderful, starting the process on the duplicate title while I was standing there, telling me that if for some reason I wasn’t able to get the tags in time they’d put me in a courtesy car, that they were personally going to send a runner to the house of the previous owners to get the papers signed. Seriously, this place could not have done any more for me.  I think I will bake them cookies (LOOK! IT IS ABOUT COOKING!).  Anyway. I mentioned to them the conspiracy. Then we all had a hearty laugh.

Republi-Dad actually lives in a house with Abbie Hoffman and that is where this all comes from.

Dear Republi-Dad,

It’s not a conspiracy.  No one would involve a Prius in a conspiracy. I promise.


Your FTHW.

Bucky Balls…anyone? anyone?

Posted by The Housewife on May 27th, 2011

Let’s not even talk about my absolute desire to own these Bucky Balls.  You don’t even want to know how badly I want these choking hazards that occasionally show up on Woot during woot-offs.  Instead, let’s talk about what I have been referring to as Bucky Balls since yesterday when I made them…

Buckeyes!  I have been meaning to try these out FOR-EV-ER, but let me tell you, internet, school takes up a lot of time.  Just ask The Boyfriend what the only topic of conversation at our house has been since last June when I got the job.  It’s all school, all the time.  You don’t even know, ya’ll, when it’s not talking about the kids, it’s talk about the curriculum, not that, then it’s coworkers, not that? then it’s the school drama, THERE WAS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT EVERY NIGHT.  Just trust me on this one, so basically this led to me having absolutely not time to blog.  Now, not that I’m promising anything better for this summer, because stupidly your friend FTHW has decided to go back to school and get her Master’s degree.

Speaking of that, let’s tell you a story…

It’s fairly relevant, just stick with me.

So, after all this school drama I finally get myself enrolled and one of my “required” courses is this class about The Beatles. YES. FTHW LOVES THE BEATLES. NO. FTHW DID NOT WANT TO SPEND $285 A CREDIT HOUR TO TALK A 3 HOUR CLASS ON THE BEATLES WHEN IT IS NOT AT ALL RELEVANT TO TEACHING. So, I’ve been a little bitter.  So, I do my 10 chapters of reading each week from the worlds most boring book ever written about The Beatles and I do my assignments.  This week, I just happened to notice the word “Lisztomania” in the text.  Each week we have to choose a topic the book discusses and write a more indepth article about that topic.  That is when it struck me. The perfect first line for a paper about Lisztomania.

“Lisztomania is more than just a song by the band Phoenix”

AND THAT IS HOW I STARTED MY PAPER, YA’LL. FOR REAL.  I do not belong in graduate school. I am not serious enough for graduate school.

Of course, I went on to elaborate how Lisztomania can be related to Beatlemania in many ways.  I mean, you guys read my blog, you know how much crap I can make up.  I’m really good at this.  Whoo! Those crazy 1800-ers.

AND TO MAKE THIS RELEVANT… I just happened to listen to Phoenix on my kitchen record player while I made the Bucky Balls Buckeyes.

Guys, these were so ridiculously easy to make I don’t even feel like we need a step by step. THIS IS HOW EASY IT WAS. I almost forgot to take pictures because it was so easy.


Mix 1 stick of butter (softened)

1 lb powdered sugar

1 18 oz. jar of peanut butter

in your mixer bowl.

(does anyone measure vanilla?)

and 1 tsp vanilla (more or less)

It will most definitely look like playdoh. Tasty, tasty playdoh.

Then just roll it into balls and put them in the freezer while you melt up your chocolate and wax.

Now, I’m sure you’ve noticed that for the most part I set up a really sweet bowl and pan double boiler. But! BUT!

TA DA! The Boyfriend’s Mom bought me an actual double boiler. Who knew!

Now, the recipe I used says to melt 1 bag of chocolate chips with a 2×2 piece of parafin wax.  I started this melting and thought it tasted too waxy and tossed in another half bag of chips, but perhaps you will think it is okay.  I would use less wax though, maybe a 1×1 square, because mine were plenty shiny without the whole 2×2 piece and all the extra chocolate.

Now, after much trial and error, I have found your new BFF.

The corn on the cob pick.  It’s just perfect for stabbing the top of the Buckeyes to dip them in chocolate.  Look, LOOK AT THIS BLURRY PICTURE OF ME USING THIS:

Though not fool proof:

It works quite well…


It’s coming.

Posted by The Housewife on May 10th, 2011


Internet, it’s coming.  I have 4 more days of school and then I can get back to partying all the time.





Not Posting.

Posted by The Housewife on March 17th, 2011

I’m not posting. I’m only kind of posting because I want to rip all of the hair out of my head and make someone eat it. Anyone. Why? I don’t know.

My house is a freaking disaster.




I want anyone who has ever had to make a move with my The Boyfriend to pat yourself on the back because if you survived it without shooting him you’re clearly a good person.  A patient person. Maybe a saint.  This is my 3rd move with him. This is my 15th move. Yes. I move a lot. I’m a nomad. Every single move I made pre Boyfriend was very little stress. All the boxes were packed in order of least necessity and were neatly stacked in the corner of some apartment ready to go for moving day. Everything neatly labeled and even marked for weight so anyone who helped me move would know before bending over to pick something up that it was going to kill their back or be something they could carry 4 of.  I am a good mover.  I’m skilled, well practiced. I also don’t hold on to random crap. I purge. I love getting rid of boatloads of stuff. Goodwill loves me. (or hates me).

Everything I just said is the exact opposite of The Boyfriend and the exact opposite of every move we have made as a couple.  Currently our living room is a giant stack of crap with no end.  I can’t cook or do dishes because every surface in the kitchen is taken up with MORE CRAP.

The best part is my d-bag of a landlord is going to end up charging us for the last 4 months of our lease no matter what so we get to rent two places during this whole mess too!


Bake-Mania. The Live Blog. Maybe.

Posted by The Housewife on January 16th, 2011

We’re going to give this a try.  Today I need to make 3 pans of manicotti and 2 cheesecakes.  I hope you’re here to follow my adventure/demise.  I’ll give you the updates.

I’m starting out with the pumpkin cheesecake. If you’re baking along at home turn on your Jakob Dylan vinyl and preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

Starting with the crust you will need (for 1 cheesecake):

1 1/2 cups gingersnap crumbs

1/2 cup chopped almonds

1/3 cup butter

You haven’t lived until you’ve sorted through some uncrushed gingersnaps! WELCOME TO THE PARTY YA’LL.

Also, I fully understand what The Pioneer Woman is always saying about her Alien Hands. Could my arms look any fatter in this pictures?! I BLAME YOU IMAC. I BLAME YOU PHOTOBOOTH. I BLAME YOU STEVE JOBS!

2 things. 1. I put in some walnuts. Don’t tell anyone! 2. I’m wearing my Seahawks shirt. Go Hawks! UNEXPECTED 3. OH CRAP I JUST PUT MY BLURRY FACE ON MY BLOG.  I’ll cover it up with some creative photoshopping later.

Oh and in case you missed it, the record changed to Death Cab for Cutie’s Something About Airplanes.

My kitchen is already a gigantic disaster (much live the movie Gigantic) but I have 2 crusts ready to go in the oven for 10 minutes.

Completely ignore the smell of burning coming from your oven and continue on with the cheesecake filling.  I’m going to tell you how to do the filling for just 1 cheesecake, even though I’m making two. Eventually it may look a little different because I’ll be mixing for two.  More than likely I’ll be eating enough cheesecake for two as well.

Start with 24 oz softened cream cheese

1 cup + 2 Tbsp sugar

1 1/2 tsp vanilla. Mix well on medium speed until well blended

Then add 4 eggs, one at a time beating well after each addition.

Stay tuned…I must go beat my eggs.

After beating in those 4 eggs, take out 1 cup and chill while you add the rest of your ingredients to the batter:

If you are me it will be at this point that you realize you just got cheesecake on your recipe card. Also, if you’re me, you licked it off.

Add 1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg to the batter, mix well.


Also, it’s time to change records, I chose a great cooking standby, Billy Joel’s Greatest hits, more than likely to be followed by Billy Joel’s The Stranger.

Not a good picture:

But alas, your cheesecake should be mixed with pumpkin!  I hope you were lucky and the bags of pumpkin your The Boyfriend’s mom gave you turned out to be exactly the right amount.

Next you get ready to layer.  Pour in a little of the pumpkiny mixture.

Then pour in a little of the regular.

Then use a knife to make it look marbled. I like to then dump in the rest of the pumpkiny mixture so I can make the top look extra pretty. So dump that pumpkin stuff in there and scoop the rest of the plain cheesecake into a pastry bag or if you’re me, a ziploc bag.

Pipe lines on top of the cheesecake until the cheesecake mixture is gone.  Sometimes (all times.) I have to retrace lines because I have a whole lot left.  Don’t mix in a ton of lines just because you have extra, use it to push down your other lines and add more.

Then again, use that knife to marble it.

I like to go in alternating directions because then it’s going to look awesome…like this:

Don’t judge me, I have to hold up my laptop to take these pictures.  I HAVE THE SHAKES, PEOPLE. THIS IS A LOT OF PRESSURE.

Now put it in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour and 15 minutes and go lick all the bowls, especially if you’re like me and you still need to make another one. LICK THEM CLEAN SO YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PUMPKIN IN YOUR REGULAR CHEESECAKE.

Caught a mistake already.  I forgot to add sugar to the pumpkin cheesecake part.  If you’re reading this! DON’T FORGET YOU ONLY PUT IN 2/3 A CUP IN THE PLAIN CHEESECAKE MIXTURE, THEN ADD THE REST OF YOUR SUGAR LATER. I DON’T FOLLOW EVEN MY OWN DIRECTIONS VERY WELL.

I live in constant fear that I just put an egg shell in something I’ve baked. Apologizing in advance.

Cheesecake #2 is ready for the oven!

This brings us to an important side note.  On Facebook Girl I Went to High School With asked “Is one of the mistakes wearing a scarf while you cook? I would end up with a batter-scarf.”  to which I had to reply “haha, oddly enough I do okay, I actually just took it off and changed to apron, not because of food, but because I had to wash some dishes and THAT is when I truly get messy.”

Now, as for my floor and counter tops? Those are covered in stuff.

Also, I lied, the new record is Rocky Votolato.


First ingredient…one brick of tofu, mashed up.

Then 30 oz of ricotta. (remember I’m making a quadruple sized recipe. you will DEFINITELY not want to use this much.)

2 7 oz  cans of mushrooms

1 white onion, diced very fine

4 Tbsp oil (in pan to cook everything up)

parsley, basil, paprika, salt, and pepper to taste.

The rest I haven’t really figured out yet, I’ll let you know.

So far:

1 whole diced onion

2 cloves garlic (minced)

3 7 oz cans of mushrooms (cut up into pieces)

Saute in 4 Tbsp (ish) oil.

Ok here’s what we’ve got.

30 oz of ricotta mixed with 14 oz of tofu

4 eggs, beaten

and the onion, mushroom, spice mix

Mix the eggs, tofu mixture, and 3/4 cup parmesan cheese (grated)

SIDENOTE! (it wouldn’t be FTHW without getting off topic)



Mix veggie mixture with tofu/egg mixture. Tasted it. Needs more spice. Currently adding more salt, pepper, basil, and paprika. Also just added garlic salt.  Should have gone for 4 cloves of garlic I think.

Currently boiling manicotti noodles for exactly 7 minutes. EXACTLY, INTERNET.

Did I forget to mention I’ve also changed records again, John Vanderslice, Cellar Door.  This is all very important. I always listen to records while I cook. It’s good for you. It counterbalances all the fat you injest while cooking.

I am stuffing so many manicotti shells right now you would not even believe it.  Also, do not ever shortcut and buy Kroger marinara sauce. YUCK.

All 3 pans of Manicotti are in the oven at 350 degrees for 40 minutes covered with foil.

This was a looooong day of baking. The cheesecakes are in the fridge and the manicottis

Hope you enjoyed this and are less tired than I am.