.:: Fire The Housewife ::.

Before I begin not apologizing, I am going to apologize. Many of these pictures were taken on my Blackberry to send to The Sister as this baking disaster occurred.

Oh boy is it true…

I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone that I have a big stupid crush on Julia Child. I have been cooking out of The French chef for about 5 years, The Boyfriend paid way too much and got me the hardback set of Mastering The Art of French Cooking volumes 1 and 2 for Christmas this year and I’d love to pull a Julia Powell and cook my way through it, but I’m just not ready for the lobster killing commitment.Or aspics, the thought of aspics kind of grosses me out. Braised Cucumbers on the other hand, I think about those a lot.

I also made The Boyfriend go see The Julie/Julia Project at our local theatre when it came out and the place was filled with little old ladies. For weeks before it opened we’d see the previews and any time I was in the kitchen I’d shout “THERE’S SO MUCH STUFF ON THE FLOOR” and The Boyfriend, who had perfected his Julia Child accent by this point would say “NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING!”

NEVER

APOLOGIZE

FOR

ANYTHING

That is what I shouted into my phone the entire time I was working on this tart. In fact, when I sent the following picture to The Sister I think she thought I was going to throw it away.

BUT I COULDN’T BECAUSE I HAD JUST PUT A POUND OF BUTTER IN THERE AND THIS IS A RECESSION! WE AREN’T WASTING FOOD!

I seriously pulled this out of the oven and go “OH MY. WHAT. OH GEEZ. WTF.” I then sent that exact picture to The Sister. And The Boyfriend. Then I channeled both Tim Gunn and Julia Child at the same time and I didn’t apologize and I MADE IT WORK.

Let’s talk about what happened here.

This crust is made with:

2/3 cup flour

1 Tbsp granulated sugar

1/8 tsp salt

5 1/2 Tbsp fat (4 Tbsp chilled butter and 1 1/2 Tbsp chilled vegetable shortening)

2 1/2 to 3 Tbsp cold water

This is a recipe for a proportion for 1 cup flour. If you’re making a 8-9 inch shell you use 1 1/2 cups of flour, for a 10 to 11 inch shell, use 2 cups of flour. I doubled this recipe. You’ll bake this at like 375 degrees just until it starts to set.

Anyway. You need to freeze your fat. Just saying. Freeze it. One thing I’ve learned about pie crust/tart crust making is, freeze the fat. oh and use ice water. You want everything to be cold because you don’t REALLY want the butter to be mixed in. Let me show you what my crust looked like rolled out…

All those speckles are fat.

Now, here’s the thing, while that is in theory, correct, it should have dawned on me that NO FREAKING WAY IS THAT THING GOING TO STAY UP WITH ALL THAT BUTTER IN THERE. If I had been listening I would have actually put some pie weights in there to keep it up, or a whole other pan like they suggest, but I GUESS I’M JUST NOT ONE FOR LISTENING. I’m also not one to own pie weights or keep the kind of beans you can use for that sort of thing around my house (somehow I don’t think lentils would have worked).

So I got that blob. YES I’LL ADMIT THAT I MESSED IT UP. But then…this started happening…

I continued on!

I did not put as many apples as they suggest in here. I probably have 2 apples in there, maybe.

Julia says you should use 1 lb of firm cooking apples (in my case, and in hers too probably, Golden Delicious)

So, here is what I do…I have one of those fancy apple peelers, and you can bet I use that thing to peel the heck out of apples when I make a pie. But! When you make a tart you want the apples to be shaped like this. like a wedge. SO! I use my old-school apple slicer.

you know…one of these…

Mine is red, but you know, whatever.

Anyway, slice and core with that thing, then just peel them. THEN just toss them with 1/3 cup granulated sugar and 1/2 tsp cinnamon.

Put them in your crust like I did and bake them at 375 for about 20 minutes until the apples are almost tender.

Then let this cool while you prepare your custard. I put it in the fridge because I was worried how the custard which is mostly egg and whipping cream would react to the apples if they were still too warm. I suggest you do the same.

So, anyway…for the custard you will need

1 egg

1/3 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup sifted flour

1/2 cup whipping cream

3 Tb Calvados (apple brandy) or cognac

I did not have apple brandy or cognac. I did have some apple wine from my Orchard Family’s Orchard This is the only kind of wine The Boyfriend will drink and he was kind of upset that I opened it to use 3 Tbsp. OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO DRINK MORE.

Anyway. What I am telling you right now is that this custard would have been nothing without that wine. I tasted it before and after and…it was delicious both times. BUT IT WAS MORE DELICIOUS WITH THE WINE. Seriously, so good.

What I’m saying is…I love you Aunt and Uncle Orchard Family!

So, for the custard…

Beat the egg and sugar together until it’s thick and pale yellow. Julia will tell you that it should “form a ribbon” basically just make sure it’s thick so that when you lift the beaters so that it falls down in a ribbon and takes a second to fall back into the mixture. Then beat in the flour…then the cream…and finally the brandy (or apple wine). I beat the cream a little longer before I added the brandy. Maybe almost 2 minutes. I wanted to make sure it would be thick enough. Then just pour it on top of your apples.

It was at this point that The Sister started to agree with me that we should NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING. Because seriously, it’s not perfect, but it looks pretty enough!

You want to put that in the oven for 10 minutes or until the cream begins to puff up a little. take it out, sprinkle a ton of powdered sugar on it (through a sifter…) and cook for 15 to 20 minutes more. The top will brown a little and if you stick a knife in it, it will come out clean.

OH JUST ADMIT IT, THAT THING IS GORGEOUS.

Now, the true test was…did it taste good?

I called The Boyfriend and told him I was bringing an apple tart to his office to feed his office mates, which is what I always do when I’m not sure if something is going to taste like crap. You want to serve this warm, so I slid it onto a plate and made my way towards the office…

Let’s not even talk about the bad things that happened on that drive…like when it slid off the plate at one point.

The entire tart was gone by the time we left about an hour later, so, I’d say everyone thought it was delicious. Even The Boyfriend ate a piece and he doesn’t like apples.

Moral of the story?

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING.

and also…

MAKE IT WORK.

LAME TITLE. I do that just for you guys though.

This post is dedicated to Ernish who will be pleased to know that my pie came out just fine with regular limes instead of key limes

Admitting: I have never really eaten key lime pie. I have only made 1 key lime pie. I have never made a real KEY LIME pie, I made lime pie. BUT! The people I forced to eat it at The Boyfriend’s office said it tasted great! The only change I would make is to add a little sugar, it was just a little too tart for my liking. In a surprising twist, The Boyfriend ate a couple dishes of it…which is just crazy.

So, I’ll make no bones about this, I stole this recipe from THIS WEBSITE.

You will need:

1 1/4 cup crushed graham crackers

2 Tbsp sugar5 Tbsp butter (melted)

….

3 large egg yolks

1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk

1/2 cup key lime juice

2 tsp grated lime zest

When I show you my minor apple tart disaster tomorrow you will understand why I mostly prefer graham cracker crusts. I will admit right now that when I’m making pies I buy pie crusts. I PURCHASE THE FROZEN PRE-MADE PIE CRUST. I KNOW! That guy in The Boyfriend’s office is right I ALWAYS TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT. SHAME. SO MUCH SHAME.

HA! But for the most part, yeah, I fail at pie crusts, I never have a super tasty crust, it’s usually waaay too crispy and gross, but yes, graham cracker crusts, those are a crust I can handle. This is not to say I can’t make one heck of a tart crust…

ANYWAY. Just crush up those graham crackers, add the sugar and butter and mix until it looks all sticky…then press into a pie pan or into individual tart pans LIKE I DID…

Stick those in the fridge while you prep everything else.

First things first….zest your limes. Well, at least zest until you get 2 tsp.

You just want the green part, not the white part because that part is bitter. I’ll be honest. I forgot to do this before I juiced my limes and I ended up doing this on a spare lime. WASTEFUL.

Then you get to juice! I showed you the other day on my lemon bars that I just quartered my lemons and squeezed the juice out of them…This day…OH THIS DAY. I got a juicer. (I’ll have to tell you all about my not so secret love of World Market Cost Plus another day). So I used that to juice the heck out of these limes.

On a really sweet side story, I once said something to The Boyfriend that I should make a soundtrack for everything I cook, because sometimes the music that’s playing while I cook is more important than what I’m cooking and he kind of laughed at me. But I’d just like to say that right now. Right now as I’m typing this. Johnny Cash is singing “This world is rough, and if a man’s gonna make it he’s gotta be tough. And I knew I wouldn’t be there to help you along. So I give you that name and I said goodbye and I knew you’d have to get tough or die, and it’s that name that helped to make you strong. You just fought one hell of a fight, and I know you hate me and you’ve got the right to kill me now and I wouldn’t blame you if you do. But you outta thank me before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit in your eye because I’m the…that named you Sue”

I THINK THAT’S WHAT KEY LIME PIE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT. And that is why The Boyfriend will never let me have cooking soundtracks.

Anyway, juice those limes til you have 1/2 cup of juice. Then basically you just mix everything together. It’s really no big thing.

First whip your eggs until they’re light yellow and fluffy. About 3 minutes says The Joy of Baking. Then toss in your condensed milk and mix another 5 minutes. Then add your juice and zest.

Pour that into your crust or crusts and bake for 10 minutes at 350 degrees or until filling is set.

It’s totally up to you if you add some whipped cream. I didn’t, but only because I was too lazy to whip some cream. Oh and I knew it wouldn’t keep sending it to The Boyfriend’s office.

So, Ernish, you can make Key Lime Pie again, just make Lime Pie instead, I’ve heard it’s just as good. Maybe if I see key limes sometime I’ll do a real test though.

Dear Internet,
It’s nearly 2pm and I’m sitting at my computer eating lunch. Yes. Lunch. I get up every morning and make The Boyfriend’s lunch so that he’ll stop eating lunchables from the breakroom vending machines, but I generally forget that food exists until dinner time, that or I drink coffee and eat granola bars all day and suddenly realize I’m starving.

BUT TODAY. TODAY, INTERNET! I’m feasting!

But before I tell you on what, I want to dedicate this post to The Sister.

Because she’s the reason for it.

I wouldn’t know anything about eating hummus if it weren’t for The Sister.

I wouldn’t know it was possible to make hummus at home if it weren’t for The Sister.

OH THE SISTER, LOOK WHERE I’D BE WITHOUT YOU. NOW QUIT TELLING PEOPLE I’M BAD MOUTHING YOU IN THE INTERNET!

HUMMUS! YUMMUS!

The recipe for this hummus is something I stole from All Recipes a long time ago because it was something ridiculous like 30 calories to eat 1/4 of this hummus. That’s what I like in my food, large portions with few calories. Unlike those lemon bar jerks that I made the other day. UGH.  I’m not sure the hummus is right on target with that, but a spoonful of it isn’t going to kill you calorie wise.

For this hummus you will need:

1 can garbanzo beans

the juice you drained from the garbanzos…DON’T THROW IT AWAY, YOU’RE GOING TO USE IT.

2 tsp cumin

1 Tbsp olive oil

1/2 tsp salt

1 clove garlic

basically just throw everything but the juice into your food processor….

Then process it…

Add your garbanzo juice little by little until it’s the consistency you want it. I had to stop and stir mine up a little because I had some big chunks in it, but I also use the worlds smallest food processor, so you might be okay. The Sister has a Magic Bullet and that thing OWNED hummus if I remember correctly.

I seriously wanted to eat a big spoonful of this right away.

Instead I settled on some cut up Sandwich Thins and a Jazz Apple (ORCHARD FAMILY, I’M STILL WAITING ON YOUR CALL TO TELL ME YOU’RE GROWING ME THESE…THE BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO GERMINATE THE SEEDS IN MY KITCHEN. PLEASE HELP.)

YUMMUS.

Let’s start from the beginning here.

I’ve never really used citrus fruits in anything. That’s right, I’ve never made lemon bars, lemon meringue pie, key lime pie, etc etc etc. UNTIL THIS PAST WEEK. The problem is, The Boyfriend HATES all citrus fruits. I can’t even get him to drink orange juice. So the problem here lies in that if I don’t send whatever I have made to The Boyfriend’s Office, I tend to eat it all…as is the case with these lemon bars. THEY ARE JUST SO ADDICTIVE.

In the next couple of posts I’ll be showing you the different ways I have juiced lemons and limes, mostly because I made these lemon bars before I even considered buying a juicer of any sort, then when I decided to make key lime pie I decided I needed a juicer and a microplaner, and, well, it was a trip to World Market and The Wooden Spoon later that I had both.

The first thing you’ll need to make is your lemon bar crust, so, preheat your oven to 350 degrees and mix:

1/2 cup butter

1/4 cup powdered sugar

1 cup flour

1/8 tsp. salt

spread into a well greased 8×8 pan and bake for 20 minutes or until it starts to brown.

THEN COMES THE FUN PART!!!

While that is in the oven, you get to start juicing lemons…

So, my method this time was to cut the lemon into quarters and juice into a small bowl before I would then strain with my wire strainer to get out the pulp and the seeds into that measuring cup until I had 1/3 cup. It really didn’t take that long and I believe I used 3 lemons. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Besides your

1/3 cup lemon juice

you will need:

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 Tbsp lemon zest

2 Tbsp flour

(you might want to zest your lemon before you juice it…just a helpful hint. )

just dump that mixture on top of your baked crust…

Don’t be like me and leave this sitting on your computer for a few minutes while you take pictures…the filling is pretty liquidy and will leak down into the crust….put it in your oven (which is already preheated to 350 degrees) ASAP

Leave it in there for about 20 minutes (the edges will begin to brown)

and you’ll have this:

then you’re going to sift some powdered sugar on top, let it chill in the refrigerator for about an hour or so and then! THEN!

THEN YOU WILL GAIN 50 LBS. 50 POUNDS JUST LOOKING AT THIS THING. I’M TELLING YOU.

Look forward to tomorrow where I will either talk about knitting or key lime pie! OH MY!

Dear Internet,

I have a problem. A problem with the name “Chicken Nuggets.” It’s mostly a problem with the “nugget” part. That word…it’s just…hilarious. In fact, when I was preparing to name this post I was going to use something else for “nugget” I tried “Chicken Bits”

nope, that still sounded hilarious.

Chicken pieces.

Better, but still no.

Chicken filanges?

Meh…

Anyway, Chicken…thingies…I made them.

And because it’s Monday, and I’m tired, because I’ve got a million other things to do, because The Sister talked about making french fries last night and it reminded me how much I love to fry foods, because I think panko breadcrumbs are the greatest cooking invention known to man… I’m bringing to you a recipe I stole directly from THIS BOOK

Chicken Nuggets with Sweet Potato Puree

(And yes, I fed this to The Boyfriend and he ate it. And he was fine.)

So this is another one of those recipes in which you hide food that is good for your The Boyfriend so that he doesn’t die. I totally negated that healthy food by frying them in oil. Oh well. The recipe says you can use any pureed broccoli, spinach, sweet potato, or beet and you’ll be fine. I used a sweet potato and I liked it.

You will need:

1 cup panko breadcrumbs

1/2 cup flaxseed meal

1 Tbsp grated Parmesan

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp onion powder

1 cup (broccoli, spinach, sweet potato, beet) puree

1 large egg, lightly beaten

1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breast rinsed and dried, cut into small chunks (or nuggets!)

1/2 tsp salt

nonstick cooking spray

1 Tbsp olive oil

Basically just put everything dry in one bowl to bread your chicken chunks.

Mix your veggie puree and your egg in another bowl.

salt your chicken chunks, dip them in the egg mixture, then toss them in the breadcrumbs until they look completely covered in panko.

This is where I cheated.

In theory you’re going to put a Tbsp of olive oil in a skillet that has been sprayed with non-stick spray, but, I used more oil. I didn’t cover them with oil, but I made sure the bottom of the pan was covered. SOMEONE CALL THE CHOLESTEROL POLICE.

Just cook them 4 minutes on each side and then remove to a plate with something to soak up the oil on it. Definitely cut into the largest nugget to make sure it’s cooked all the way through. Nothing is worse than an undercooked NUGGET.

Then feed them to your toddler with ketchup. I mean your The Boyfriend.

In a slightly related note, I need someone to move up here and test things that I make to see if it’s tasty. I mean, I made this key lime pie and to me, it’s kind of tart, but maybe it’s supposed to be, honestly, I’ve never had key lime pie. I don’t want to give it out if it’s gross! I sent some to The Boyfriend’s office, hopefully someone there will tell me if it’s disgusting.