.:: Fire The Housewife ::.

Christmas, ya’ll, sucked.  Yes, I’ll say it. IT SUCKED.  Not only was it like WWIII around the FTHW Family, I ended up mostly being sick most of the time and now The Boyfriend is starting to come down with something and I’m staying so far away from him because, well, homie don’t play that.  Here’s the thing, while I do LOVE to bake treats that are fatty and horrible for you, in general, I eat pretty well.  A lot of veggies, a fair amount of fruits, whole wheat everything.  I do my best.  Christmas was basically one meal after another that was full of more fat that I eat in a year.  Not that MOST of these meals weren’t delicious, but I’m just not equipped to handle such meals anymore.

Let’s discuss these in depth.  It all started December 23rd when I had to make an appearance at a show featuring a band The Boyfriend made a record with (shameless plug, www.rocketheartrecords.com) I hope too many people don’t click that because I have always been the leader in website hits between The Boyfriend and I and I would like to keep it that way.  Anyway, the show was great, the bands were great, I was exhausted.  Turns out I’m  not as hip and awesome as I was in high school when I sold merch for bands and would rock out until 3am.  I was tired. SO TIRED.

Plus, I woke up at 8am the next morning.  Yes. The girl who usually gets 8-10 hours of sleep per night got about…4 1/2.  NOT OKAY.  I was exhausted and had too many things I needed to get done.  Desserts to make for the multitude of family Christmases I would be attending for the 3 days following. NOT EXCITED.  So I get up, start moving, start baking, churn out some whoopie pies and a cheesecake from a recipe that I had never used before.  The cheesecake was, well, weird.  It poofed and smooshed and was weird.  In the future I will stick to my very own recipe for pumpkin cheesecake which is tried and true and awesome.  It was this day, the day when I was going crazy and baking so much on 4 1/2 hours of sleep that The Sister and The George decide, yes, this is the day to try to completely explode FTHW’s head.  That day I was yelled at for using the wrong wrapping paper, for not getting a present wrapped quickly enough, for wrapping something upstairs which was already in a box, for not allowing my niece to come downstairs while I wrap said present, for having a baking disaster, for baking things the sister doesn’t think she’ll like, for basically living.  I couldn’t take it anymore and had a complete meltdown.

Now, friends, you’ve read this blog, you may or may not know me in person, but FTHW+Stress+Tired = SO MANY OBSCENITIES.  At one point The Niece says “Uhhh…I’m going to go in the other room because Aunt FTHW is using too many bad words”

IT IS TRUE. I WAS SCREAMING THEM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS BECAUSE REALLY, YA’LL, TODAY IS THE DAY TO YELL AT ME ABOUT WHAT A HORRIBLE BAKER I AM? REALLY?!

I FELT LIKE MY HERO RICHIE SEXSON.  I looked really hard for the video of Former Mariner Richie Sexson throwing his batting helmet at a Texas pitcher, but I couldn’t find it.  Basically, those Mariners like to fight, and I like to watch it.

Speaking of Seattle Teams:

I made these Seahawks vs Chiefs whoopie pies a few weeks ago or so when the Seahawks played the Chiefs, we will not discuss the outcome of that game.  Not that I care about football, but I refuse to believe that anything Kansas related would dominate anything Seattle related.

Anyway, back to my Christmas rant.  Because that’s what this post is about. ME HATING CHRISTMAS.  So, after all this work, I made this adorable stack of Red, Green, White, and plain whoopie pies wrapped them up and got them ready to go to The Aunt’s house for Christmas Dinner with the FTHW’s.  THEN! THEN! Something about a plate wrapped in plastic sat way away from all the other food for the evening looked like something that should be eaten, so they were picked at and messed with and eaten and just in general messed up before they even had a chance to go to Aunt FTHW’s.  So, here is an image of some different red and green whoopie pies I made once…In memory…

Unfortunately I did not make the non-pareil whoopie pies for Aunt FTHW’s house, just the out of focus red and green, and also some with white sugars and some with no sugars at all.  Trust me, they were adorable.   A little stale by the time the remainders got to Aunt FTHW’s, but all together, not awful.  I finally got the recipe down to exactly what we wanted the taste to be.  Which, I will share with you!

So, for the pies:

This is the recipe I used for the  Chocolate Gobs, The Other Side Aunt actually sent me this recipe a long time ago, I’ve decided this is the best recipe for the pies, tasty, just the right amount of chocolate flavor, and just in general, yummy.

Mix in order:

1/2 cup shortening

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup sour milk

1 tsp baking soda

1 egg

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 cup cocoa

1/2 cup hot coffee

1 tsp vanilla

I like to pipe mine using a large circular Wilton tip in about 1 inch circles onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper,  you might need to smooth the tops a little, these are a little more solid and don’t flatten as easily.  If you slam the cookie sheet on the counter a few times it will also work, this is especially nice to do when your family has angered you over the holidays.  TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, INTERNET.  Bake it in a 350 degree oven about 8 minutes, if you lightly tap the top it will not indent when they are finished.  I like to leave mine just a tiny tiny bit under-done because they do tend to be a little dry.

AS FOR THE FILLING! I HAVE MADE UP A NEW FILLING RECIPE.  I have had a few disasters lately with my old tried and I thought true recipe, so here it goes:

2 c. powdered sugar

1 c. crisco

1/2 c. butter/margerine

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup marshmallow fluff

Beat together the first 4 ingredients on high.  Add the marshmallow fluff, beat on high until very fluffy.   I actually added the word “YUM!” to the end of my recipe, that’s how good it is.  It’s the only hand written recipe in my recipe box, scrawled across the back of my original filling recipe one day when I finally decided to conquer the whoopie pie for a second time.

In conclusion, I spent a few days hiding out at The Boyfriend’s parents house, where I got to prove to The Boyfriend yet again how awesome I am at Wheel of Fortune since The Boyfriend’s Mom got us the electronic Wheel game for Christmas! YESSSS.  I had previously stolen this version from my Grandpa when he wasn’t looking:

BUT NOW IT’S ALL ABOUT THIS VERSION, WHICH I PLAYED ALL THE WAY HOME AND DROVE THE BOYFRIEND INSANE!!

In conclusion, Internet, I need to go to the grocery store because I am going to bake cookies for the release of the Ultimate Fakebook Album Electric Kissing Parties which The Boyfriend helped to get pressed, so, in order to draw in some new cool friends, and NOT tweet creepy things about them like I did with Jim Suptic of The Get Up Kids, I am going to make some UFB cookies to woo them with.  Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’ll remember to post them too. OH YES.

So, it’s just quite near Christmas Candy season and I’m pretty much always excited for that time of year.  It means I’m going to make a ton of candy which I never eat because after making all of it the thought of sugar makes me want to die.  This is how to keep your girlish figure, friend, make a lot of sweets, the smell of sugar will make you so nauseous you don’t even want to think about eating any of it.

So anyway, I learned something new today. WAX! WAX! WAX! Yes! I’m telling you! I’ve been making truffles for a couple years now and the part I hate the most is dipping them in chocolate to cover them, this has made me HATE making chocolates because I just can’t stand the work it takes followed by sub-par looking chocolate.  I was browsing around the internet this morning trying to find something new I’d like to try when I noticed several of these truffle recipes I was finding used Gulf Wax in the chocolate when you dipped them.  I thought “SURELY NOT! WHO PUTS WAX IN THEIR CHOCOLATE!?” but this is a true story!

Gulf Wax is basically just wax you use in canning to seal jars.  I’ve never really done any canning, but I had heard of this stuff.  We found it in the teeny tiny grocery store in the teeny tiny town I teach in, so I know you can find it where you live.  Just look in the canning section, it comes in a box with the words GULF WAX on it in gigantic letters.  The box is about the size of a pound of butter.

So, I made these Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough truffles, I stole the recipe straight off the internet but all it really was is the the recipe for chocolate chip cookies minus the eggs.  So use your favorite recipe and don’t add eggs.  You’re going to leave the dough raw, so you don’t want to give your loved ones salmonella, but if you do want to give them salmonella, go ahead and add the eggs, whatever, I don’t care.  I’m not in a giving mood today, so I’m not giving anyone salmonella, I didn’t use the eggs.

Onward!  This is the chocolate concoction I used…

10 oz almond bark (chocolate flavored)

1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

a little less than 1/2 a block of gulf wax.

Throw it all in your double boiler, or your homemade double boiler if you’re me and don’t own a double boiler…

That white block in the middle? That’s the wax. It melts so much faster than I thought it would, just let it party in there until everything is all melted.  Now, as for those chocolate chip truffles? You should have made those into about 1 inch balls and put them in the freezer for about 15-20 minutes.  My freezer MAY have been too small for my cookie sheets so I MAY have put them in the fridge and forgot about them while The Boyfriend and I watched Penny Serenade. I MAY have swooned over Cary Grant and then The Boyfriend MAY have told me all these stories about Cary Grant being into LSD and also being gay and also that he once sued Chevy Chase for saying he was gay on television.  Kind of an odd.

So anyway, after you melt everything, it’s pretty easy just to dip them, there should be a flat side from sitting them on the cookie sheet, so put them in and cover them, then take them out with a fork, let the chocolate drip off a little.

I noticed that the chocolate hardened MUCH faster with the wax in it so if you’re going to add anything on top you need to do it quickly.

Basically, this made everything A LOT easier and I fully recommend using Gulf Wax to mix with your chocolate, it gives it a lot more shine.  I read a few things about the chocolate having a waxy taste, but it really isn’t that noticeable. You will notice a slight tiny little difference but it’s a lot like any candy bar you’d eat, it has that texture to it.  My advice, try it once, decide for yourself.